It's Not Supposed to Be This Way

Updated: Oct 15, 2020

But sometimes it is, and it feels completely unfair.


You've done everything you should have done. You did the things. Cared for the people. Followed the "rules" and yet, you believe that it still wasn't enough for anyone.


Listen up.


At twenty something, I had a choice to make. Do I continue to do what others want me to do because their vision for me is plain? Or, do I break loose and become enough for myself, even though it isn't the most supportive choice? I chose the latter, and fam...it's been one hell of a ride. So much so that I constantly whispered seven words, "it's not supposed to be this way", yet and still, it was the way that I allowed life around me to become.


People bondage is real, sis. It can be crippling.


To paint it vividly for you, I had this realization the same year CTRL dropped. A summer that is now so blurry that the only thing I can remember is playing Garden on repeat and staying out during ungodly hours for the sun to beat us home, every time. It was bittersweet though. Maybe because a few months prior I made a difficult choice to press pause on a relationship. Which, to be honest, was extremely difficult for me, even if I didn't verbalize it.


Understand this, I think that being capable of moving along (or doing the work to keep going), in not so selective circumstances, requires acknowledging the pieces that assist in telling your journey.


But that's not the main reason we're here even though it is important.


Choices.


That's why we're here, and coping with the difficulty and indecisiveness to make them and the griping fact that sometimes, you will not be chosen.


Breaking loose from the chains of people bondage was and is bigger than cutting the ties on a platonic relationship, it overall comes with doing the work to ensure that you are your first priority. For me, making the choice to be present for myself has never been such an easy choice. I was always the anxiously shy kid in class (when it came to socializing) and my parents had everything laid out and blueprinted for me, until they didn't (different story). So when it came to making difficult choices, it was usually accompanied by my heart sinking into my stomach and voice getting caught in my throat.


"It's not supposed to be this way" are the seven words that come to mind whenever I force myself to do the hard things. The heart throbbing things. The things that I tried to run from. But here's the real tea, how else was I supposed to become my own everything? How else was I going to save myself from my own troubled waters? If no one told you, here's free game: you do not become successful in anything by playing it safe.


Not even among your emotions.


Even though you may feel like it's not supposed to be this way, we don't know every inch or aspect of our lives the way we think we do. Feelings are fleeting, and though they should be acknowledged, they also deserve the attention to be sorted out and worked through. So here's a challenge, do something that scares you (safely lol) in your own time. Do not feel confined to the "new year" time limit, because January 1 will still be another day. Feel the freedom from within and take the leap when you are ready to jump and soar. Trust me, it's freeing and brings a wave of relief beyond your greatest emotion.


...and I know, I know, it's not supposed to be this way but you have the choice to see your life from a birds eye view. So fly on.